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.::...... .:: :::.: :::: :::::. .:::.:.. .:.:::. ::.:::

He laid emeralds in her eyes, oh but I'd
already tied, a bracelet made of gold and scarlet
thread around her wrist, and everything was wrong so we
sang sentimental songs. Oh how seldom we belong but
how elegant our kiss, and we painted crooked lies but we
danced in perfect time to a love so much refined, we
know not what it is until like a dullen wine we pour
into a grief we know before but it's never quite like this.. never quite like this.
All I know now is regret, it follows like a silhouette
along the cobblestone behind me, but has nothing to
say except to innocently ask, a voice as delicate as
glass, "Do you see me when we pass?" but I continue on
my way.

March 2014
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Iago [userpic]

I'm just gonna put this behind a cut I suppose, It helps me a lot to talk out my experiences but that doesn't mean that the people who read my journal (both of you) need to read all this stuff

So I had to leave a movie today because I had a panic attack inside the theatre, believe it or not, anxiety in a theatre isn't something strange for me, I had a really bad experience in a theatre back in 2007 that has basically created anxiety for me every time I'm in a theatre. But this was bad enough that I actually had to leave, which was upsetting, because I had just spent 20$ on tickets and such and we were only like 20 minutes into the movie.

I left, and as I try to do when I get really anxious I occupied my mind, this is something that may not make sense to anyone, or it could be something everyone does, but I'll explain it. I create full scenarios in my mind, not just conversations, but rooms, detailed, as many details as I can fit, and I have conversations, it's easy to give monologues in your brain, but creating real conversation is hard, because you have to almost entirely step outside of yourself to be able to honestly respond. I can create the answers that I want to hear, that will help my dialogue the most, but part of this is not only distraction but self discovery, so I try to give the answers that I think I'd get form this generally non-defined person or persons.

Part of this general brain escape while I was leaving the theater and walking to the book store was someone asking me to explain what it's like dealing with my anxiety, I never feel like I could describe it before, and while focusing entirely on it seems like it would make it worse, my hope was that looking at it analytically would take me out of the swept up "everything is ending" feeling I get during my panic attacks.

This is what I came up with:

"Imagine the thing you are most afraid of, spiders, snakes, heights" He laughed slightly "being alone."
He took a quick sip and kept speaking "Now imagine that terror, and imagine that thing you fear most is yourself, imagine being with that thing every second of every day, knowing that the eventuality, the reason you fear that thing the most: falling, being bitten, being stung, being left, could happen at any time."
He signed and looked at his hands "That's my every day, and worse, thinking about it, that pervasive concept seeping through the cracks in your resolve, just the act of being afraid, triggers exactly what you're afraid of and the only thing you can do to pull yourself back is pretend that you aren't really afraid."

I know it's stupid that it's written like from a book, but that's kinda how it was in my brain, anyway, at this point, I had just walked in front of a burger king and I almost broke down crying. I wasn't really anxious or afraid anymore, but I was sad, maybe a little angry, I just wanted to see a movie, not even with someone, by myself, and I couldn't do it, because of something I have no control over, and no amount of money or people in my life will change that, it's not that it was an expensive movie, or a good one, but I really just wanted to have a day where I functioned like a person, and I couldn't. I can barely type it without crying again.


I've had almost that same conversation with myself before, repeatedly, in theory to explain to someone at work if he asked for further specifics. Optimistic people cannot fathom the likes of us...