He laid emeralds in her eyes, oh but I'd
already tied, a bracelet made of gold and scarlet
thread around her wrist, and everything was wrong so we
sang sentimental songs. Oh how seldom we belong but
how elegant our kiss, and we painted crooked lies but we
danced in perfect time to a love so much refined, we
know not what it is until like a dullen wine we pour
into a grief we know before but it's never quite like this.. never quite like this.
All I know now is regret, it follows like a silhouette
along the cobblestone behind me, but has nothing to
say except to innocently ask, a voice as delicate as
glass, "Do you see me when we pass?" but I continue on
I feel like maybe it's time to re think my whole LJ theme. It's not that Panic! at the Disco wasn't great when I made this, but I feel like maybe it's bit dated.
I'm trying to cut caffeine out of my diet, which sucks, because it's awesome, but it's not something I need, and this year will be a year of pruning. I had some gnarly headaches in the middle of the week, but have come out at the end of the week doing alright, and feeling better.
I want to start working out again, I stopped after I came back from chicago because I started working from he office, and I was doing my thing at lunch, The plan was to start working out after work, but it feels kinda awkward, even in the odd day that someone was home while I was doing sit ups and push ups at lunch, I would get to have a fun, out of breath conversation about the fact that, yes, I was working out.
I feel like a gym would be nice, but it's an extra expense, and it makes it harder to show up, So I really don't know what the solution is, but it's something I really want to do, but something I'm not currently doing.
Well I'm gonna go back to work.
I sincerely hope my attempt at journaling again doesn't end up as me constantly bitching about my health.
That having been said, I am now going to bitch about my health. I mentioned my anxiety the other day, I've been having panic attacks, roughly every hour and a half or so, since I woke up on saturday. I need to see a medical professional, but I've just started new insurance, and have no idea where to go. So that's fun.
Also, pretty sure they're gonna tell me to stop drinking, because my anxiety is like 100x worse when I'm hungover. I'm usually pretty convinced I'm going to die, like for realsies, I usually think that maybe I'm having a heart attack, though I'm not. So that will be fun, I have to imagine my quality of life will also improve, but I don't know that anything but a doctor's order will get me to stop.
I wasn't really sure what I was going to write today, then I found out a girl I know passed away day before yesterday, took her own life. Suddenly, nothing I really have to say here makes any difference.
Actually I will say one thing, I feel bad, obviously for her and her family, but I know her through her ex boyfriend who I work with, I found out through him, and I couldn't say anything, I feel like that's a point where you really need friends, and I didn't have anything to say, I don't really deal well with death, and just kinda felt like anything I would say would be wrong. I need to work on that.
Alright, Round 2.
So, this is probably going to deal heavily with my anxiety, I make this note only so that I, or someone else reading this, can skip the post if they are so inclined.
My Anxiety seems to have gotten significantly worse this year. At one point in time, I didn't eat one day, because the thought of leaving the house to get food, while my roommates were cooking, caused me to mentally curl up into a ball. I can't even identify why this bothered me, but it terrified me, to the point to where I actually closed the door to the room, and considered trying to leave out my window. This is not normal. At all. I mentioned yesterday my trip to Chicago, I have to say this trip was life changing. Before I left, I was in a place where I couldn't leave my house, or go into my living room, or even call someone, and even now, there are all of 3 people I'm comfortable texting while sober, if they haven't texted me within 15 minutes, because the thought of initiating a conversation with someone terrifies me. I went from that, to riding around on public transportation, dancing at a club and exploring downtown. Yeah, I'm fucked up, but why am I significantly more fucked up when I'm at home, where I live, than say, in a random city where I know all of 6 people?
Admittedly, It's been easier since I've been home from that, it was really bad before hand, but even now, just the thought of interacting with people is scary and exhausting, I can't go to bars I don't normally drink at unless I plan to get black out drunk, and It's been weeks since I've been able to sleep without either having a panic attack, or worrying about having a panic attack, which is also not fun, and most days I just want to go home and sleep.
Some of this is stuff that won't ever completely go away, I get that, I just need to find out if I can get back to the point where I could exist without worrying about everything ever in the world.
So, I've read a handful of new years introspective E-mails, and now feel like writing one of my own. While reading through other people's entries I could at least get a bit of a feel of where they were at, maybe not entirely relate (though it seems I'm just as lost as everyone else, which is comforting) but at least understand. I have none of that right now, I can go back to 2004-2005, And while I don't really like old chris, I at least know where he was at, I could understand him, It's a nice snapshot. I realized I don't really have that for myself right now, maybe I should work on it.
So, 2012. I feel like 2011 was a year of stasis, With the exception of my trip to Chicago, I haven't really changed, at all. I've been at the same bar, drinking the same thing, living in the same place, same job, same everything. I don't know that I'm someone who is built for consistency, because it's killing me, but I think I needed it.
Lately my brain is constantly moving in two different directions, in the span of about 45 seconds I can contemplate the advantages to stopping drinking entirely, then wish I lived in a specific area because of their drinking culture, and at no point does my brain realize that I can't have both. I am currently the collection of the things I wanted previously and things I want now, and they're at odds, but I don't want to let anything go, so I stay in one place. However I realize this now. So I have to make some choices.
Also, sometimes it's been so long since you've sat down and written a journal entry you forget you're doing it and leave it open in the background at work for like an hour. Now I don't know how to finish this.
Maybe I'll write more? We can take this journey together, me and the like, 4 people still on LJ.
Sometimes I wonder where it is I've gone, I thought perhaps that attempting to match the silhouette I once created would entice me to return, Instead I simply miss myself more as I see the ghost of who I once was.
Some nights I thirst for real blood
For real knives
For real cries
And then the flash of steel from real guns
In real life
Really fills my mind
And I really miss what really did exist
When I held your throat so tight
And I miss the bus as it swerved from us
Almost came crashing to its side
Sometimes the blood from real cuts
Feels real nice
When it's really mine
And if you want it to be real
Come over for one night
And we can really, really climb
And those blue bridge lights might really burn most bright
As we watch that dark lake rise
And if you really want to see what really matters most to me
Just take a real short drive
It's just a drive into the dark stretch
Long stretch of night
Will really stretch this shaking mind
And this room, unlit, unheated
And the ceiling striped
And the dark black blinds
I want to know this time if you're really finally mine
I need to know that you're not lying so I want to see you tried
And I don't want to hear you say it shouldn't really be this way
'Cause I like this way just fine
'Cause there's nothing quite like the blinding light
That curtains cast aside
And no attempt is made to explain away
The things that really, really, really, really, really are behind
You can't hide
You can't hide
You can't hide
You can't hide
You can't hide
You can't hide
Sometimes I forget entirely who I used to be. Though, even reading posts and things i wrote 6 (jesus, yes 6 years ago)years ago, i can see the parts of me that took over, those sharp abrasive personality traits that took hold when all the sweet romantic parts were too busy being in love or depressed to notice.
I'm updating this as i read through entries, i was actually looking for something specifically related to my reading of a Tucker Max story years ago and just realizing it now as i read through his book.
It's amazing, as I read this book, and all the bad, and really funny, things that go on, and then read my own poorly written and spelled stories about having crushes on girls. It's a dramatic change.
If anything my journal serves as concrete evidence of my severe depression. It's weird to look back at all the posts I made when I was depressed and so unsure and confused as to why I felt that way, I wish I would have had someone suggest I go to a doctor a lot earlier, maybe knowing what I know now, I could have handled that whole era of my life a little better.
alright, I'm ending this post
Finally got all my stuff out of the old room, took me a lot longer than expected, but i finished it by today, which was a big goal of mine. i will sleep well tonight.
I feel so apathetic and disconnected.
So, it turns out that despite running me into the ground and making me tired all the time and only ever half awake, working morning and not sleeping a lot helped to keep my crazy in check. With the exceptions of some minor bouts of depression and some anxiety attacks, I remained fairly sane and reasonable for a while.
I now work nights and have been getting the recommended amount of sleep.
I can say that the crazy is back in full swing, maybe the whole sleep thing had nothing to do with it, and it was just the major change of having a different schedule for the first time in 3 years.
Either way, full out crazy.
It's a little fun for now, but I'm sure it will get old, I've been dealing with a lot of thoughts and feelings I haven't had to deal with in a number of years. It will eventually wear out.
I'll probably turn to medication again, the mood swings are a killer.
I don't even know why I'm posting this!
So i just got off a call that i felt the need to post about.
the call started out with this old man (who i later found out was 70) telling me about how it used to be, and how it used to be simple for him to log onto his pc, and that all the changes we've made have made it difficult for him to log into his computer.
for whatever reason, maybe i was just in a bad mood or something, but i was annoyed by him, i felt like he was talking down to me like i didn't hear what he was asking and he kept cutting me off to go on overly long speeches about what he wanted when i just needed him to follow my directions in order to get him just that.
eventually i got him sorted out and immediately felt bad, he started talking about how great i was and how great the service was, and thanked god that i was working to give him a hand, and not in that casual "thank god you're here" but in a legitimate sincere thanking manner. I'm not a huge religious person (anymore) but i can appreciate when someone feels fit to thank their deity and bestow blessings on me, and yet the whole time all i could think about was how much malice and misguided anger i was holding back when i started the call.
Very rarely do i feel anything resembling guilt for anything that i do, so i felt it was worth noting.
So, I'm leaving my house to go to glendale here shortly, and by tomorrow around midday I should be in Las Vegas.
No Computer, just awesome.
( Fear and loathingCollapse )
But it was you I was thinking of.
aaron was right, it's totally a lot funnier now.
I don't wanna die in the hospital,
I don't wanna die in the hospital,
I don't wanna die in the hospital,
you gotta take me back outside.
There was a power outage earlier, and it fucked up one of my monitors, so, I've decided perhaps it's time to upgrade, I haven't quite figured out how, but I'm going to need more screen real estate, a single 17" monitor is not enough.
So, those Tech savvy people out there i have a question, with black friday coming up i have a choice, I can go for a single giant monitor, or two large monitors.
So, my journey to another LJ obviously didn't work. Fail. so I'm back, and I've been asked to update more, so I'll share the thought i had earlier this evening.
I accepted tonight that I am actively avoiding relationships, i knew that i wasn't in a relationship, i knew that there were girls i was interested in, and probably at least one or so that was interested back, I finally had to own up to the fact that it's because i chose to do nothing, it wasn't an "i forgot" thing, i made the decision to not do anything.
so, usually the next logical question is "Why am i doing this?" I actually managed to get to that point first.
Let me tell you the story.
I daydream a lot, I've actually reached the point where i can do anything i do on a daily basis and remain in my own world where i am most likely having delusions of grandeur, so when you see me staring off into the distance, that's most likely what I'm doing, remaining in the now is difficult at times, but, its important to note that i do this.
So I'm on my way home from class, and I'm daydreaming (nightdreaming?)about 15-20 minutes ago. Lately a lot of said daydreams have involved girls. Usually i picture myself in a normal healthy relationship, in that "we haven't quite moved in with each other" phase.
but tonight was different, i actually daydreamed going on an actual date, for those interested it was a picnic, and then the first kiss happened, and it was like my brain hit a massive road block.
I realized the notion of a first kiss with someone, in that sober, dating context, scared the shit right out of me. I then ran through the list of other things around that area and all of the things frightened me. Laugh if you want, but i was actually worrying about doing these things wrong.
which is weird.
I worked backward to realize that because of this fear, I've just avoided placing myself in these situations.
Why am I Afraid? - > because I haven't been in that situation in a long time..
Why not- > because I've been avoiding it
I won't lie, there is no real point to me telling you all this, aside from just the freedom that comes from publicly admitting it, but I felt it was an LJ worth realization.
A lot of things happened, I have a new job, we finally made a good decision as a country then managed to fuck up the celebration with some bad decisions.
that's all well and good.
But i'm posting to let you know that the new Conor Oberst Solo CD is really good, you should listen to it.
so, i'm totally updating from downstairs in the MU.