I think everyone I talk to that actually reads this reads my facebook as well, but just in case they don't, this is an addon to my post in facebook, which I will copy below:
Went through boxes, was assaulted by feels. I've never been so happy that I keep every single Christmas card I've gotten since I moved out of my parents' house, from friends and coworkers, people who were always out of state and people who have moved away. I have birthday cards from my 18th birthday, from people I'm still friends with now, we may not be really close, but 11 years is a long time, particularly since I've only been here for 14.
I think I really pushed away the idea that I'm actually leaving here from my mind, I focused on the act of moving, and the logistics and the job and the money, but now that I've finally got things figured out (ish), it actually hit me that I'm leaving it all, and thankfully, some of the names on those cards are already where I'm going, and I'll be closer to family I can reconnect with and haven't seen in way too long. But it's crazy to think that this chapter of my life is done and over, and that I'll be in a new city, at a new job, with new people and new everything in a little over 4 days.
To everyone that's here, whether it's people like Michael Greatorex, who I met all of two days after I moved here, or people I've met in the last year (or even last couple of weeks), I love you all, I'll miss you terribly, and I'm truly sorry if we didn't get to see each other or hang out before I leave. Adios.
It was getting a little long and facebook isn't really good for long stuff.
For almost as long as I've lived here I've hated this state, outright loathed it, I moved here after a summer that was the first time I was really happy, I would have stayed there forever, I would have played football until I was a senior, I would have kept dating that girl, hell, I might even have gone to some small school on a football scholarship, I'd have started drinking at 16, all my friends were starting to do drugs right as I left, and i'd have probably been all up in that. If i didn't go to college, I'd have worked at a plant, or a cannery, or some other job like that, it's hard to get out of Modesto, I can look at it now and realize that, but at the time it was devastating.
I threw away a bag of skittles yesterday, this bag was the very last thing I bought when I lived in CA, I bought it at the airport just before leaving on the plane here, I've had it ever since, never opened it, it was that last bit of connection, it was the beginning of who I became, I see it every single time I move, it's fossilized and old, the fact that the wrapper stayed in tact after 14 years is impressive, but I never throw it away, what's amazing is that I also have a box of notes that we used to pass around in mailboxes right before I left, but that box is just a thing, and those notes are nice, but they were never as symbolic as that bag of skittles. I threw it away. That part of me is over.
It seems like lately, I feel real, human feelings so infrequently that I can tell you the last time I really felt something that wasn't anxiety, depression or frustration. It was early 2012, and a not so close friend of mine killer herself, I hadn't spoken to or hung out with her in ages, but that night she posted and asked if anyone wanted to hang out, and I wasn't doing anything, just sitting at my computer, I decided that I'd rather just sit there, and then she was gone. I was as sad as I was surprised that I was even feeling sadness. But as stupid as it was, when I sat down, and read those cards, and saw pictures of me at 17 and 18, happy, I almost cried, and that's not something I do. I suppose this is why people end up with Arizona Tattoos. I never wanted to be that guy, but maybe I just never had the perspective.