He laid emeralds in her eyes, oh but I'd
already tied, a bracelet made of gold and scarlet
thread around her wrist, and everything was wrong so we
sang sentimental songs. Oh how seldom we belong but
how elegant our kiss, and we painted crooked lies but we
danced in perfect time to a love so much refined, we
know not what it is until like a dullen wine we pour
into a grief we know before but it's never quite like this.. never quite like this.
All I know now is regret, it follows like a silhouette
along the cobblestone behind me, but has nothing to
say except to innocently ask, a voice as delicate as
glass, "Do you see me when we pass?" but I continue on
I'm just gonna put this behind a cut I suppose, It helps me a lot to talk out my experiences but that doesn't mean that the people who read my journal (both of you) need to read all this stuff
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I'm pretty consistently proud of myself for not starting shit with people anymore, I understand that it's mostly due to apathy, and not so much personal growth, but hey, a win is a win.
So, I've been here now for a while, and the layers of apathy and hardened heart that I had built up over the years are coming away, and it's almost strange to be happy for a change, and to be like, really happy.
Unfortunately, the side effect to that is when depression strikes, I no longer have that armor, and it gets..... Weird.
I was sitting in Hunger games last night, and I actually managed to cry through the entire movie. It just struck me as sad, and I'm sitting there, having been pretty thoroughly drunk earlier in the day, actually crying in a movie.
I thought maybe it was just a powerful movie, and it had reached even my hardened heart, also the bottomless mimosas didn't hurt.
Then I started crying during Doctor Who earlier tonight, I'm guessing the issue is me and not a sudden string of heartwarming writing. I actually sobbed during Doctor Who and I couldn't actually tell you why, or what was going on.
These random floods of emotion are kinda strange, thankfully my plan for the holiday weekend is to hole up in my room and not interact with people, so maybe I can make it through this episode without too much embarrassment.
I started dating this girl, kinda, I don't know what it is, she said she doesn't know what she wants and I respect that, though I hope she figures it out. Even if it's not me that she wants, I'd rather know than not. But for the moment I wake up to her in bed sometimes and I sleep better when she's there. In the grand scheme of everyday it's a small thing that some mornings means everything.
Back in those days, he was more ghost than human, haunting friends and relatives, bars and houses, instead of living and breathing, unable to let go of the things that kept him there to move on to whatever was next.
When he thought about that old life he mourned it like great great grandfather, someone he never really knew but was related to, he knew, somewhere in his mind, that that was the same blood and bone, but it was a clinical connection more than a spiritual one, he occasionally tried to be sad about that, but couldn't bring himself to be.
If we can't help ourselves, why don't we help ourselves?
because we all, just need, to feel loved.
Ha, so I made it, I don't know how, but I made it and I'm alive and I start working on Monday. Might go to pride today, ut that involves getting up and doing something which I don't know about. Also I can drive the hour to my hometown for a birthday party for my cousins son, but more driving sounds terrible.
I think everyone I talk to that actually reads this reads my facebook as well, but just in case they don't, this is an addon to my post in facebook, which I will copy below:
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It was getting a little long and facebook isn't really good for long stuff.
For almost as long as I've lived here I've hated this state, outright loathed it, I moved here after a summer that was the first time I was really happy, I would have stayed there forever, I would have played football until I was a senior, I would have kept dating that girl, hell, I might even have gone to some small school on a football scholarship, I'd have started drinking at 16, all my friends were starting to do drugs right as I left, and i'd have probably been all up in that. If i didn't go to college, I'd have worked at a plant, or a cannery, or some other job like that, it's hard to get out of Modesto, I can look at it now and realize that, but at the time it was devastating.
I threw away a bag of skittles yesterday, this bag was the very last thing I bought when I lived in CA, I bought it at the airport just before leaving on the plane here, I've had it ever since, never opened it, it was that last bit of connection, it was the beginning of who I became, I see it every single time I move, it's fossilized and old, the fact that the wrapper stayed in tact after 14 years is impressive, but I never throw it away, what's amazing is that I also have a box of notes that we used to pass around in mailboxes right before I left, but that box is just a thing, and those notes are nice, but they were never as symbolic as that bag of skittles. I threw it away. That part of me is over.
It seems like lately, I feel real, human feelings so infrequently that I can tell you the last time I really felt something that wasn't anxiety, depression or frustration. It was early 2012, and a not so close friend of mine killer herself, I hadn't spoken to or hung out with her in ages, but that night she posted and asked if anyone wanted to hang out, and I wasn't doing anything, just sitting at my computer, I decided that I'd rather just sit there, and then she was gone. I was as sad as I was surprised that I was even feeling sadness. But as stupid as it was, when I sat down, and read those cards, and saw pictures of me at 17 and 18, happy, I almost cried, and that's not something I do. I suppose this is why people end up with Arizona Tattoos. I never wanted to be that guy, but maybe I just never had the perspective.
I got the job.
I start Jul 1.
I guess this is happening?
This has just essentially become the "SF Job" blog, because I'm not really ready to talk about it on Facebook yet. I fly out to SF the day before my birthday so that I can interview for the job on my birthday and fly back the next day. I'm told the interview is just a formality, and a chance for me to meet the team, and assuming that's correct, It's entirely possible I'll be living in the bay area by late June/early July, maybe even in time for SF pride, which is exciting.
I'm absolutely terrified, don't have nearly enough time or money to get there, but I've never been more sure of a decision in the entirety of my life. So there is that.
So, I had meant to update yesterday about how the job in SF wasn't able to open a position so I was still stuck in AZ, but then I got a message again about how someone left and try have approval to immediately fill, so I'm back to waiting on a call and praying I have the money to move
I'm posting on here, because I don't feel like I need to have huge conversations with assholes on here when I have an opinion.
I used to be the person that argued on the internet, like , a lot, about damn near anything. I've started choosing my battles, but when I start getting locked into an argument I have this feeling like I shouldn't have started, the problem, is that in some situations, particularly with sexism/racism/homophobia I feel like silence is akin to letting it happen, not that I think I should go around to other people's status's and call them out whatever they say. But if someone is being an asshole in the comments for an article that I posted about sexism, and is actually saying sexist shit in it, I feel like I need to call them out on it. Then I feel like an asshole for doing so.
I sometimes worry that, like a puzzle piece, that I've spent so much time being jammed into the wrong areas, that when I finally find where I belong, I won't fit right, due to the frayed edges from the other attempts.
That having been said, I was tired of being stagnant and complaining about it, So I'm like 60-80% sure I'm accepting a job in SF, and moving out there, like, soon. It's absolutely terrifying, and while I know people there it is absolutely nothing like the nice place I've built here, I'd also have to get rid of most of my shit.
The hardest part, or at least the part that I've always had the most issue with, is not being overbearing at first, you find that person who is great, and gives you that falling feeling when you're with them. It's hard not to get over excited in a very "Of Mice and Men" kind of way and just ruin the whole thing.
So I'm doing what I can, I have the advantage of a wedding coming up, but inviting someone to a wedding is just as scary as asking someone on a date, so that'll be fun. But nothing can take away that top of the world feeling I had as I drove home last night. It has been a very long time since I've been in the dating game, and I think it takes a special person to bring me out of that, unfortunately that just makes it suck more if it doesn't work. I'm still bright eyed and hopeful though. I blame that on the massive amount of country music I've been listening to, say what you will, but they know their hopeless love songs.
It's a bit upsetting to me that my current job hasn't worked out, I was a bit burnt out on my last job, and that's why I left, but having been in my position for 6 months now, I can say that I'd take my old job, and the pay cut in a heartbeat if it was offered to me. This just isn't my thing.
So that's where I am. I hope beyond hope that If I stabilize some portion of my life that I'll cut down on a lot of the more damaging habits that I have, I'm not one to tout a desire for balance, but I know that a lot of the issues in my life stem from a lack of it.
I am in seattle, I just made friends with a guy who works for apple, we talked and drank till he had to leave, tommorrow I'll go to a video game convention, and tonight I feel like I can do absolutely anything. I am in control. This. This is why I drink, it's ben a while since I have felt this absolute. If I'm lucky, there will be oppritunity here, and I will sieze the fuck out of it. In a rare moment, I am fucking ready and goddamn waiting for the future
So, it's likely that the entirety of everything I want to post is TMI, so I'm putting it behind a cut, don't blame me if you read it
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I didn't forget about you
I've just been too sober/scared to post things, I haven't gotten better, but ultimately it's my own fault because I haven't tried. I've backed myself into a corner, a corner with a wet bar and a hefty serving of enabling, honestly the fact that I've met a girl I have real human feelings for is the only thing keeping me something resembling not throwing my life away.
I also realize that basing things off of a girl is an awful idea, and when it eventually fails, I'll only get worse, but we all have to hit bottom sometimes, and It's unfortunate I haven't hit it yet.
Also, don't tell anyone, but I hate my job, the fact that said girl works there is the only thing that keeps me from walking out, I basically need to get myself to a good place before I bail. So there is that.
I'm just not happy anymore, basically everything I do is meant to sidestep or cover that up, and I realize that immediately, it's like pretending that santa is going to show up when you definitely saw your presents in your parent's closet weeks before.
I've been listening to a lot of country music lately, and I think it makes me feel better, for a genre that is typically defined by it's sadness, it's filled with such hope, there are songs about first kisses, and kids, and small houses that make you feel at home, and even the sad songs are about a brief lapse in hope and not the absence of it. I don't feel like an awful person, which ultimately makes me drink less because I don't feel ashamed, It's strange, but I wanted to put it down somewhere.
I need to put this down somewhere, but I don't want to seem like I'm attention whoring, so Livejournal it is.
I had to go to the ER last night/This morning, I hated it because I knew it was just a really bad anxiety attack, but it was worse than any one that I've had, The chest pains were super intense and it hurt when I tried to breathe, there have been a couple moments in my life that I've legitimately feared that my life was going to end, for at least 2 of those I was under the influence of something that made me think it, This is the first time I've ever thought that I was actually going to die, and had the presence of mind to realize and process it.
Of course, the doctors told me I just had the panic attack from hell, and thinking I was gonna die didn't help it much.
I'm super tired but I haven't gone to sleep because I'm still having issues processing everything. It was comforting to know that I genuinely did not want to die, when given the option of the alternative I wanted to keep being alive.
Also, this means I probably won't go to work today, which wouldn't be awful, except I didn't go yesterday, because I had a (now seemingly light) panic attack sunday night that caused me to not be able to sleep. I'm not actually even sure how much I've slept in the past couple days. I feel like maybe my boss won't yell at me if i mention that I went to the ER, we'll see I suppose. I'm now writing because I don't want to sleep and this is all that's keeping me awake and focused.
Before I was forced to pay for my lovely pat on the back and "you're fine" I was planning how long it would take me to save enough money to move, and basically it comes down to selling my car, which is unfortunately because that will make it difficult to get to anyplace I'm trying to go, but without my car, I could eliminate pretty much everything else in a year, and save for a while, the hardest part would be figuring out what to sell, Though obviously all these plans fall through If i get fired for not showing up today.
I need to start writing again, I'm not sure what form it will take, I've officially put my 2 weeks in at Citrix and took a job at Chase, I'll start the 26th, and I'll be working nights which will help me a lot, as I usually am significantly healthier when I don't have to wake up earlier.
I've also not had anything to drink for a little over 2 weeks now, not a huge amount of time, but for me it's probably the longest I've been sober in a good 2-3 years. I don't know how long I plan to keep it up, I feel like if I could somehow drink, and have the alcohol not have any effect on me, I'd be golden, because I do love Beer and Whiskey, and the only reason I haven't embraced sobriety completely is that I think I'll miss those two things. So I'll have to sort that out, if i can cut myself down to only drinking 1-2 a month I'll probably be able to continue along those lines, or I may just say "Fuck it" and not drink anymore. Maybe this means I can start drinking caffeine again? maybe? please?
But yeah, writing, I've been trying to sit down and write a novel for years and years, maybe I'll finally do it, working nights I'll spend a lot of time awake from midnight to about 4 or 5 in the morning, I could probably get a lot done.
I remembered to come in here and post.
I have been allllll over the place.
I'm saving up monies, hopefully to move, if not, just to have monies saved up, Also I think I now hate my job, like, a lot, but i feel like anywhere else I'll just be doing the same thing for less money, I need an internal help desk IT job, that's where I want to go in companies, I just need to find the company that will let me do the job so i can build up the 3+ years in help desk to work anywhere I want.
I also want a new tattoo, but despite being able to afford it, I lack the ability to commit to actually going and getting one.
Even though I haven't been updating, I've been reading regularly, and because of that, I've been parsing and constructing a lot more of my thoughts to be self observational, so I can eventually post something about them.
I am now on the other side of whatever it is that was happening over the last couple weeks, and it feels awesome, not that I'm 100% but I never really expect to be.
While I was in the car this morning, I came up with a plan to start saving money, I'm rarely in a situation where I'm short money, unless I've just taken a trip of some sort, but I also rarely have anything saved, and I'd like to pay off and get rid of my car, so I can move somewhere with effective public transportation, not that it matters, with my job I can work anywhere I can get stable high speed internet. But still, I'd like to think I'd go out and do things in whatever new city I adopt.
alright, back to work!